Nineteenth-century military theorist Carl von Clausewitz suggested that war happens when one nation tries to impose its will on another: “…as one side dictates the law to the other, there arises a sort of reciprocal action, which logically must lead to an extreme.” Clausewitz’s maxim can be applied to relationship warfare as well. Couples tend to fight when one party tries to dictate the law to the other.

Disagreements and arguments are normal parts of any relationship, but conflict can also do irreparable damage. And let’s face it, when it comes to emotional argumentation, women are tactical geniuses and men are badly outmatched. Follow these tips if you want to level the battlefield and stop fights before they start.

Use diplomacy

Recognize first that every fight is effectively a civil war. Your girlfriend is not an enemy combatant and she is not your adversary. And, any damage you do to your relationship is ultimately damage that you do to yourself. In the end, you both want the same thing, which is a fulfilling and satisfying relationship with a partner who respects and understands you.

Therefore, you should think less about proving her wrong and more about achieving a desired outcome. To this end, diplomacy is key to achieving appeasement. Be clear about your expectations. If it bothers you that she talks to her ex-boyfriend twice a week, tell her so. Don’t wait until manageable problems become crises. If you’re clear about what you want from her and she’s clear about what she wants from you, you won’t find yourselves caught in the fog of war nearly as often and together you’ll be able to stop fights before they start.

Defuse potential issues

Women tend to let things simmer, which is not conducive to helping you stop fights before they start. Your partner might let a situation develop for weeks before something (even something completely unrelated) finally triggers an ear-blistering, weekend-ruining outburst. You need to defuse that bomb before it goes off. If she suddenly gets moody or distant, call her on it and find out what’s bothering her as soon as you can. Get to the root of her problem before it becomes your problem — just don’t call it “her” problem.

Appeasement never works

Look, every relationship requires compromise, but you can’t stop fights before they start if you surrender before there’s an issue, which would mean that you’re a complete pushover. Women won’t respect a man who doesn’t stand up for himself. Don’t let her make all the decisions just to avoid “rocking the boat.” Constantly deferring to her judgment will only irritate her and make you look weak. If she picks the restaurant, you pick the movie. Got a dinner party at her best friend’s place this weekend? Fine. Next weekend the two of you are going camping. Compromise is fine, but make sure you’re only giving as much as you’re getting.

Watch your mouth

Avoid name-calling at all costs, as it’s a surefire way to cause an argument to escalate. Not to mention the fact that it’s childish, disrespectful and it will come back to haunt you when you least expect it. It’s OK to criticize her behavior, but try to avoid criticizing her character. Steer clear of categorical statements like: “You always do this” or “You’re never willing to compromise.” If you call her “selfish” or “inconsiderate” in the heat of the moment, she will remember, and you can guarantee she’ll bring it up again the next time you have a disagreement.

Plan a preemptive strike

Women tend to start fights when the men in their lives get lazy. Admit it; there’s an inverse correlation between the amount of effort you put into your relationship and the amount of time the two of you have spent together. Guys often do just enough to avoid getting yelled at, but you can stop the yelling before it starts if you take some initiative. Cook her dinner once in awhile or plan a romantic getaway and you’ll surely stop fights before they start.

It’s essential to recognize that this strategy only works proactively. Contrary to conventional wisdom, sending her candy and flowers won’t earn you forgiveness if a fight has already started. You can’t buy your way out of an argument, but with a little foresight you might be able to prevent one before it starts.

conflict resolution

Now, tensions will sometimes flare. One of you will cross the line, and the other won’t be able to tolerate the encroachment. Use these tips to keep conflict in check; ignore them and you might have to start working on an exit strategy.